How hard it is to find a true friend nowadays. In the end, I still can't compare.

Friends

Friends. They mean so little yet so much.

To be blatantly honest, I love you a lot. Yet, it seems you are only looking at them. I try to ignore it, but every time I see all of you shoving it right to my face, I just can't help but feel lonely. Do I not mean anything to you guys? Do I really not? Sure, I might be a bitch sometimes, but it doesn't change the fact that I love you guys. You, you are so attentive to that person, and it seems like you forgot about me. I don't know how to face this. And you, you always take the initiative towards others, yet you always wait for me to take the initiative. Is that what friends really are? Do our long years of friendship not mean anything to you people at all? I'm disappointed. And really upset. And the best part is, I can't say it, or you guys will go all 'what does she expect me to do? Listen to her all day?' or 'she's oversensitive'. You guys just don't realize you guys actually, unconsciously did that. I'm the one who always needs to take the initiative. Yeap, that's right.

I don't know where I stand in your hearts. And I'm stuck in the middle, not letting go, not moving on either.

~miserable

Missing you

If there's any person here that I'll miss when I leave, it'll be you. You were the only one who understands what I'm going through, the only one who's experienced the same thing, the only one whom I can treat like a friend and not as an older person and the only one who's as similar to me as a twin. Although sometimes you may be really hot-tempered, but that just shows how similar we are in so many ways. AND, you are the only person who will make me cry whenever I think about the limited time we have left together. Honestly, even as I'm typing this, I'm crying and I can't see the keypad. Goes to show how much I love you. 7 months, that's all we have left together. If I could bring you with me, if I could. You were like the sister I never had, and for that, I am glad to have you by my side.

I wonder how you'll be when I leave. And I'll wonder how I'll be when you're not by my side. Thinking about it just makes me cry. You taught me things that my parents wouldn't be able to teach me, things that would make my parents go ballistic and well, you were just a beyond awesomely amazing friend/ sister to me. Actually I don't think that those were enough to describe you.

I don't know how I got so emotional today. I usually don't cry.

Can someone please explain to me why we must always please people? God, I can't wait to get out. Hey, Russia's no fun, but it's gonna be way better than here.

First day

First day at TMC college. Fun? Ermm...not really. I only sort of made friends at the end of the day. Almost all of them speak mandarin! Except the boys, but of course I'm not the type who would start a conversation with a boy, plus all of them look so serious!! My god it's kinda like being in 5 A again, but I'm all alone this time. Classes end at SIX everyday. Talk about having fun in college. Oh and please do not ask me what TMC college stands for because honestly, I myself am clueless as well.

Second day was okay, I guess, I sort of made friends, you know I was being all smiley and polite. But problem is, they don't get my sarcasm. :( that kinda spoils the fun somehow. Oh, and there's this girl called Aloha in my class, how cute!! Got my books which weigh 9 kg altogether! Bloody heavy! In no time I'll definitely lose my arm fats. My maths and physics teacher are the same, bio and chem the same. Maths teacher was a bit crude and bio teacher's English kinda turned me off. Other than that, no complaints. :)

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day! :)

Annoying how someone throws your stuff without permission. Like seriously, wtf? Why don't I throw your stuff without your permission and treat it as rubbish? Would you like that? No, right? I can just imagine how you'd react then. Scold. Scold. Scold. And yeah, I can't do that because then you'll give me the silent treatment and then I will have to apologize and all. Fuck seriously.

Really, I just can't WAIT to get out of here.

2012

Ugh. Woke up with a swollen eye this morning. And I had to go and take my passport photos. OMG. Let's see a Pauline with "mata sepet" when the pictures come out. Yay.

Anyway, just a recount on what I did on the first week of January and some random thoughts.


Have I mentioned how much I love Chinese New Year yet hate it so much at the same time?? The preparations we have to make for this occasion is just so tiring and exhausting. Making biscuits and cookies every weekend ain't easy, you know? Haih, although I had my fair share of stealing some of the cookies. =P But seriously, I know it's weird but....I prefer the unbaked cookies better than the baked ones already. hehe. Just like when I see raw chicken breasts....I feel like eating them, they just look so nice. T_T

Last Wednesday, I had my very first driving lesson. Thank god the driving instructor didn't scold me. In fact, he praised me like nobody's business till I thought there was something wrong with him. Like seriously, he was going all "yes, yes, very good, very good" or "yes, so far so good" or "yes, very smart..". I mean, OMG? Normally he's just very curt towards me, and he praised me like mad on that day. Oh, and he told my mum that I was better than my brother. HEHE. Okay, actually I wasn't that good, in fact, the engine died twice, at the same place. But that's because I didn't understand what the stupid clutch was for, honestly, I still don't know what it's for. So after he explained it to me when the engine died the second time, I finally caught the hang of it. Hehe. I'd say it was pretty stressful, I mean, I'd panic whenever I see a car driving by and I always forgot to put signal and all. But driving wise, I was pretty okay, I guess. =) He thought me how to change gears first, then practiced for about 15 minutes..? And then straight to driving. Guess it wasn't so bad after all. I expected more scoldings from him.


I officially ended work last Thursday. AND, I got some bonus for working extra. HEHE. OMG, so awesome right? LOL. I know, but my workload isn't that easy. It may sound or seem easy, but when you actually do it, it's actually pretty shitty. Anyway, that's over and done with. =) So I have extra money. =D

Tomorrow's gonna be my first day at college. Wish me luck, guys. =) Okay, currently I seriously have no feelings. But I can bet my life on it that when I actually get there, I'll be as nervous as hell. You know me, the shy and "timid" girl everyone thinks I am. The woman who was giving me information about the college actually said I was quiet and shy. I wanted to laugh, but of course I kept it in. =) Not good to let the cat out of the bag.

I think that's all for this post, I mean, I actually have some more to say, but I forgot. =( Guess I'll save it for when I remember it.

P.S. After a year, I finally did it again.

P.S.S. I forgot how good an actress I used to be. Still am, apparently.